Video Justice

Jun. 22nd, 2009 | 06:56 pm

hi all

www.deadjournal.com

Mar. 10th, 2009 | 01:15 am

I cannot sleep, I usually fall asleep at midnight. I have a very healthy and active lifestyle that a part of me has mandated over another part of me that I cannot deviate from this daily itinerary lest I throw the whole outfit; existence, hygiene, energy, study, body, out of balance with the rest of the universe.
Here is what the structure of most of my spin-periods looks like:
1. Rise from slumber to the tune of a randomly selected song by a music band.
1a. Did I dream? If yes, recount, write down. If no, go directly to 1b.
1b. Lie back down if 1a. was yes or remain reposed if 1a was no. Stare at the ceiling for 1/2-1 hour.
2. Brush teaf
2a. JUMPING JACKS
2b. PUSHUPS
2c. SIT UPS
3. Apply outfit, pack BACKPACK with necessary education materials. Is it raining/ snowing?
4. Go downstairs, exit building.
5. Walk to cafeteria/buffet style dining facility. Eat granola-yogurt, starchy potato selection offered by dining services, apple. Drink two full big cups water. Drink as much coffee as you can.
Ok this is boring, and that's pretty much what I was trying to convey. I don't think about the future as much as I use to. It was once a happy place of fulfillment and enlightenment, but really the future is quiet and old and sludgey and not all that nice, so I don't think about it. I don't think about how I should be looking for scholarships or research opportunities or stupid china or applying to another school in some other state like i should. No I spend most of my time in the library trying to concentrate on simple things and feeling all around inadequate and inept at what I am supposed to be doing. I cannot talk to most of the people I meet not because I don't like them, but just because, I don't know why. I don't feel like talking or am afraid of talking and having them know that I'm actually not a human or whatever it is that I am that makes me think that I am not a human. So I avoid them, and then they don't like me because they think I don't like them and its another puff of dust into the vacuum.
All that I have learned is that
pleasure is sinister. There is no such pleasure that does not hide behind it something ugly, and this is obvious, but it is everywhere, in places we don't even tend to notice. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, it's not my fault right? But it is, we're all guilty. I also have learned that behind most disembodied statements, like in advertising, ("LOVE IT OR WE'LL REFUND YOUR MONEY") directed at the second person is the same sinister thing behind pleasure. They're construed as offers, but in my mind, I read them as violent threats. I find myself laughing at nothing when I read or listen to people talk, or I laugh at things that I think are subtle jokes, but turn out to have not had that intention at all. All reading is reading in, but if I feel threatened, aren't I threatened as they say.
I feel like the vagina monologues get performed every semester or something.
I am researching discourse particles and conventional implicatures and serial verb constructions. I don't like this anything-for-education attitude of waste. Waste of paper and heat and light and water and food and plastic, for education it's OK. This place is as sinister as any pleasure, and for good reason, this school teaching modes of pleasure by virtue of what it enables its students to do. What am I talking about? Things that I feel but cannot say, which makes sense, since what I want to talk about are forms that exist but cannot be pinpointed in any one spot, be identified as a collection of tokens. We're all guilty though.